Remember two months ago, when I posted only twice in March? I explained how the dearth of posts was an accident and would not happen again.
Clearly I was mistaken.
I do not write this post to legitimize my absenteeism. Rather, I seek to explore what causes us to check out.
As you all probably know, I am in my senior year of high school, and life has been a bundle of both joy and pain. Since this is not a place for feigned truth, let me be honest. Completely honest.
I have a history of mental illness. It was the focus of my college essays, an article I wrote in the school newspaper, and countless discussions with my family. I opened up about it last year, and will go in depth explaining it at a later date. I am a recovery success story, have confidence in newfound resilience, and continue to fight the daily battle that is internal cacophony.
But, like everyone else, sometimes I make mistakes. This past year, the doubt and uncertainty never overwhelmed me to a point of relapse. But there have certainly been days where I wonder where I am going, and how to keep doing what I do in the midst of negativity and reminders of my past.
Between increasingly poor body image, rapid weight gain, college admissions, cliques emerging in my friend group, scientific achievement, and occasional loss of faith, these past few months have been rocky. And they have been rocky in the most lonely, quiet, and private of ways. In fact, it is funny how I am able to open up to however many people read these posts before I tell friends that I once considered close.
There are several long and windy roads that I can take to expound upon stories I am not yet comfortable to tell. I won’t take any of those roads right now. But I will tell you that my absenteeism from the blog is not because I was having the time of my life (as Facebook pictures might suggest) or because I slumped so hard that I refused to work on the blog. My absenteeism was a result of some personal battles I needed to fight. It may happen again, but until then, let me just make this point:
Sometimes we miss the boat on things. Sometimes we pretend that things are perfect when they are the exact opposite. Sometimes we plan to have a schedule that allows for efficiency, productivity, and success. And, more than sometimes, those schedules fail. Mine certainly did. But that is okay. I am going to be honest and say: missing the boat is okay. Sometimes we need to tend to different flowers in the complex garden of our lives.
I have posted a variety of material on the blog as little compensation for the weeks I have missed. As always, your words and ideas are always hugely appreciated. I love reading what you send to firstname.lastname@example.org. I hope you enjoy the most recent posts, and that we can get back into the groove of things.
On that note, I’m back. But if someone in your life is not totally there, let my brief story be a source of empathy. Give them time. Give them quiet. Give them a break. Because sometimes we are too independent, or scared, even, to make others take the long and windy roads we’re driving on.